Supertourist

I am proud to announce that I have been promoted to the ‘Supertourist’ status! And, if you were to ask what that is, I’d try to explain through examples of the Supertourist ways, which are above and beyond the normal tourist behaviour (there is no ‘ordinary Supertourist’, as Supertourists are, by definition out of the ordinary).

For instance, if given a train, Supertourist would gladly dangle over its sides while slowly being transported over Myanmar’s longest viaduct, the Gokteik Viaduct. Fortunately (or, maybe not), the train almost crawls over the viaduct because it appears that it creaks and contorts and is approaching its golden years even without the added stress put upon the structure by passing trains. But I’m glad to say no Supertourists found their end at the bottom of the Gokteik Gorges.

For Supertourist there’s nothing that’s not worth exploring. Even if Supertourist has only two short minutes at a train station, he will jump off and have a long look around: the new place might have something worth visiting so that any predetermined plan is completely useless. Hence, one more reason to travel light.

And how would Supertourist choose a guesthouse in any location? Would he use a guide book (like the ill-omened Lonely Planet) or follow the advice of other travellers? It would be a lot easier to have a quick stroll from the train station and look around for any prospective hot spot. Or, if the little flock of workers for a certain Yee Shin Guesthouse in Hsipaw would swarm around and thrust business cards in his face, Supertourist might just consider going there (especially since the 150 m ride is free). Even Supertourist might fall for your normal guesthouse owner/worker scheme: they say they have $5 rooms but first they show him the $6 rooms and if somehow Supertourist forgets to ask about the price, he’ll only find out once he checks out (incidentally, this is probably the first guesthouse in Myanmar where money is expected at the end rather than before checking in).

But Supertourist won’t mind. He’ll just make the best out of the remaining hours of daylight, rent a motorbike and drive around, exploring as much as possible. He would find the Shan Prince’s Palace, where a relative of the prince would sit him down and explain in great detail all the trouble the Shan Prince and his family have been through (and it’s quite annoying when you discover that Shan princes aren’t that rare, as there used to be 33 Shan states that required their own personal prince). Most probably, Supertourist will eventually faze out and nod whenever it is required but the majority of royal life details will be lost on him. He will then continue his adventure, finding the good sunset spot and hastily making his way there, only to find that the sun had already set and there’s not a lot to see as night falls rapidly over the valley. Still, there would still be some time to wonder through the little alleys on top of the hill, perched high on his motorbike, trying to copy the local ways by not getting off the motorbike without a serious obstacle in the way: temple gates or temple entries are not to be considered a serious obstacle. And, if questioned, he will invoke the ‘ignorant westerner’ argument, causing pitying or superior looks from locals.

Supertourist will take advantage of a new day from the early hours of the morning and, as soon as possible, he’ll ride around on the rented motorbike carrying a hand-drawn map of the surroundings and trying to find one of two waterfalls in the area, specifically, the one that’s not dried up. And, as success fails to show itself, as the non-English speaking locals will point him in the wrong direction, and as the roads become dirt tracks going steeply up a hill or another, Supertourist will stubbornly press on and will finally sneak a quick look at the secluded waterfall. The bike will be parked as close as possible, pictures will be taken and showers will be enjoyed.

But this will not be enough for Supertourist: he will want to know where the water is coming from, thus he’ll try to ride the bike up the hill, on a dangerously abrupt cattle path and through the crops on top, right up to the little farm suspended on the cliff above the waterfall. Having fulfilled his wish, he will have to descend on the same road with the bike, which will be the cause of some sweating and stress, soon to be forgotten by the approach of the Highway to Mandalay, from where new adventures start.

His aplomb will slightly fade when the bike’s chain will fall off the front sprocket and, being on the side of the highway with a tool-kit as useful as a fork for eating soup, he’ll have to flag down a nice Burmese mechanic who will not only reattach the chain but also tighten it as well. Spirit up again, Supertourist will start looking for a way towards the hot springs so lovingly portrayed at the guesthouse and, after a few failed attempts he’ll finally find a possible, if not probable way to get there. The overflowing river will never be able to dent Supertourist’s spirit: he’ll be up to the challenge and drive through the water as smoothly as a ballerina on a stage and reach a new and interesting sight: a stone quarry, where a dozen men are conveniently taking a break from crushing rocks with bamboo-shafted hammers and curiously eyeing the newcomer. Once he’ll ask about the hot springs, they’ll point to the river and indicate walking through it not far. But if Supertourist doesn’t fully trust walking barefooted through water on slippery rocks, the workers will soon explain that there is another way and will eventually guide Supertourist to the place. If the hot springs are still eluding Supertourist, he’ll accept the new-found spot, walk back through the river, watch how some huge slabs of stone almost come crushing down on his motorbike, and then drive to safety. He’ll soon arrive in the city, where he’ll try to find new hidden treasures.

Supertourist is not infallible though and needs sustenance. So, Supertourist must go out to find a restaurant for his special needs, for instance, a place that allegedly has vegetarian food. Upon ordering, he makes sure that the message is clear but once the food arrives and Supertourist has a bite, he’ll be struck by the distressing fishy taste of the broth where some noodles and veggies float and, being hungry after a full day, will ignore the fish soup and have noodles. As a consequence, Supertourist will be reminded of his fishy encounter the following day…

Supertourist’s day will end late, only to begin early the next morning, when the early Shan market must be visited before the 5.30 AM bus takes him away. Getting up at 4 AM is no problem for Supertourist: he’ll be lively and fresh, sprint around the market, have a nutritious rice breakfast and be ready to go by the time the bus arrives. Only after everything has been seen and done can Supertourist unwind and catch some sleep on the questionably comfortable bus seat. A new adventure awaits just outside the bus.